Wow... this really sums things up for me right now.  

Life would be really rough without best friends at the moment.  

First chemo done and dusted.

Life

Who do you think you are?

I was reminded again today that we are all on borrowed time.  

Nap

Tree

Via Cheryl:

Life isn't a fairy tale. It's a fill-in-the-blank, choose your own adventure, scratch & sniff coloring book with missing pages and random highlighted passages that make no sense to anyone but the author. 
~ Brian Davidson

“It's not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It's our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.” 

― L.R. Knost

Am doing okay (considering).  Declutter, trying to get organized.

Absolutely!

I had to take a short break while I got my Breast Cancer Blog up and running so I can keep people informed of what is going on with my treatment.  The count is on til my first chemo on the 21st.  So as it says 'let's just do today'!

Note to self: 

Ahhhh, ummmm, yes.  I never learn about some things.

Things have been feeling pretty bleak so I really hope this is true.  I feel so broken and so damaged.

Found out just before surgery that the breast cancer is Triple Negative.  I am scared for the first time.  I am clearly going to have to live with the worry of it reoccurring (aggressive, fast growing, can pop up anywhere in the body and a breast cancer type that is likely to reoccur). Next step..... chemo. 

11 hours til I am due at the hospital....

Surgery TOMORROW!!  Having a full on fibro flare today just to make life more interesting.

One day left until surgery.

Seems appropriate for Easter!

Hoping for new beginnings for myself as well.

Surgery in one week.  Hopefully it will be simple.  I am so grateful that I will be home in my own bed that night with none of the distress and disorganization of my last hospital stay.

Then radiation.

Playing the waiting game. Waiting to see the surgeon, waiting to see the oncologist.  Trying not to fall apart.  

I am a bit lost for words tonight.  

I feel lonely and just overwhelmed by this strange place I am in.  

How did I get HERE?  Why?

I am feeling a bit nuts at the moment.  I guess that is the stress coming out.  I wore myself out before lunch time with going around in circles and had to take a nap!!  No news, life in limbo.

Absolutely no explanation for why I bought TWO watering cans instead of one.  I can only speculate what I was planning.... two handed watering?  Keeping one in case the other one broke and there was a sudden watering can shortgage?

ha ha!

Have to say that this is why I love taking a

sleeping tablet at night.... I bypass the 

laying awake worrying phases.

In other words....

......repeat.

I definitely need to take some deep breathes today.  A little stressed and overwhelmed.  So much to do in a short time before surgery.  

Yes.  After step life, infertility, immigration, radical hysterectomy, fibromyalgia, infidelity, seperation/divorce, and now breast cancer.... I can say this is going to be me. 

The wait is finally over.  I got my biopsy results this morning and I have a small cancerous lump (well, tiny actually) of the most common kind of cancer.

Next step is to have genetic testing and arrange surgery.

I wasn't shocked or overwhelmed as I have had this big hunch about it being cancer.

I really really need my brave right now.  

What will tomorrow bring?

Have had a couple of great days and a lovely evening tonight.  I am not trying to borrow trouble but I am expecting tomorrow to be a hard day for me.  STBX is moving the rest of his stuff out.

Things like that trigger me on so many different levels.  Plus the timing is horrible.

It has to be done though. 

Arts of Being Alone

• Rainer Maria Rilke on the Art of Being Alone.

Good day, good friends, good food, lot's of support.  

Feeling very blessed to have the people in my life that I do.

This weekend is DECLUTTERING in over drive!!!

Looks like I have been very lucky as I am not experiencing any bleeding or any pain from the biopsy site.  

They said to ice it etc. but I haven't bothered.

So, after pottering around and having had a few emotional conversations with friends, I am heading to the land of nod :)

{note to self}

I feel like I handled today with dignity and now I am going to call on my strength.  People beat cancer.  To be honest, the thought of breast cancer still pales compared to the hysterectomy that shut the door on ever carrying my own bio child.  It still feels the worse thing that has ever happened to me.

I have three days until I know what I am facing and how I will deal with it.

Nothing but bad news from the doctor today.  Hormones out of whack, thyroid, lump in breast, blah blah blah.

I need to do what I can about the things I CAN control (food). It's been an on going battle my entire life.  But really it has come down to the line and I need to move forward swiftly and determinedly.

Hopefully will get news from the specialist tomorrow.  Also have a whole bunch of new medications to try (I am beginning to rattle).

Maybe this will be the year when I turn the corner?

I did 'alone' today and I think I am over it.

I completely understand about isolating yourself so you don't bring everyone else down.  I have don't that many times.

Time to get back out there tomorrow. Things to do, people to see and all that jazz.

My emotions are all over the place after the last few days.  I don't even know if I am okay or not because one minute I am, and then I am not!

It has been an emotionally draining few days for me.  Bret has been here trying to get the back of the house up to standard for insurance purposes.  They came and took pictures of the house last year and then asked that some things be done.  
Even my psychiatrist said that it is too early on in things to be able to cope with spending an extended amount of time with an ex.  

My brain coped by needing to sleep a lot to just shut off, in between crying on and off.  

But you know, like it says.... 'shit could be worse'.  At least I have an ex that is willing to meet his obligation to the house and to me and get this done.  

It's Mothering Sunday in England.  I am not a mother and I am not in England.  Instead I am feeling very broken.  Very defective.  I had still cannot believe that it is all over for me, even over a year after having the hysterectomy.  Most days it is at the back of my mind.  It doesn't ever go away and I don't think it ever will.  Today it is front and center.  It's very painful and hard not to be envious and feel in the minority.  People can feel sorry for me but only a very few people can actually understand.... probably only those that have walked in my shoes.  To lose the chance to be a mummy AND now not have a husband (the one that was going to be with me on the rest of this journey) seems like a double blow this weekend.  I am struggling, and being honest about it.

Sometimes it is

still hard to understand

what has happened.

I didn't expect to be back 

here again in life. 

Still having a bad night.  

Saturday nights seem to be

particularly rough.

Thank goodness for 

sleep pills and puppies.

I really shouldn't be feeling sad today.  The sun shone (after it rained), one of my foster pups may have a wonderful new home, my other foster pup came through her spay and is resting happily at home, work got done, laundry got done.....

But I feel overwhelmingly sad about being on my own this evening.  When I stop and am still and think about it I still can't believe that I am childless (not by choice) and now don't have a husband.  How did this happen?

So hard not to blame myself.  

For the friends in my life who know this applies to them....

The good curry friend who facebooks me in the middle of the night so we can talk about men with problems, peeing, facial hair and getting old.

The sock friend who I have giggled with umpteen times about the silliest things and who is now my fibro friend.

And my American friends who are as much family to me as friends.  Here is to the post Tupperware Party Waffle House times and many other hilarious adventures.

Today was an easy one.  The back porch is enclosed and I am finding homes for things that were out there.  How many screwdrivers, light bulbs and extension cords does one person need?  

I can't wait for my whole house to be lightened by decluttering. A couple of rooms are ALMOST finished (don't hold your breath though, still might take til the end of the 40 day challenge).