Things have been feeling pretty bleak so I really hope this is true.  I feel so broken and so damaged.

Found out just before surgery that the breast cancer is Triple Negative.  I am scared for the first time.  I am clearly going to have to live with the worry of it reoccurring (aggressive, fast growing, can pop up anywhere in the body and a breast cancer type that is likely to reoccur). Next step..... chemo. 

11 hours til I am due at the hospital....

Surgery TOMORROW!!  Having a full on fibro flare today just to make life more interesting.

One day left until surgery.

Seems appropriate for Easter!

Hoping for new beginnings for myself as well.

Surgery in one week.  Hopefully it will be simple.  I am so grateful that I will be home in my own bed that night with none of the distress and disorganization of my last hospital stay.

Then radiation.

Playing the waiting game. Waiting to see the surgeon, waiting to see the oncologist.  Trying not to fall apart.  

I am a bit lost for words tonight.  

I feel lonely and just overwhelmed by this strange place I am in.  

How did I get HERE?  Why?

I am feeling a bit nuts at the moment.  I guess that is the stress coming out.  I wore myself out before lunch time with going around in circles and had to take a nap!!  No news, life in limbo.

Absolutely no explanation for why I bought TWO watering cans instead of one.  I can only speculate what I was planning.... two handed watering?  Keeping one in case the other one broke and there was a sudden watering can shortgage?

ha ha!

Have to say that this is why I love taking a

sleeping tablet at night.... I bypass the 

laying awake worrying phases.

In other words....

......repeat.

I definitely need to take some deep breathes today.  A little stressed and overwhelmed.  So much to do in a short time before surgery.  

Yes.  After step life, infertility, immigration, radical hysterectomy, fibromyalgia, infidelity, seperation/divorce, and now breast cancer.... I can say this is going to be me. 

The wait is finally over.  I got my biopsy results this morning and I have a small cancerous lump (well, tiny actually) of the most common kind of cancer.

Next step is to have genetic testing and arrange surgery.

I wasn't shocked or overwhelmed as I have had this big hunch about it being cancer.

I really really need my brave right now.  

What will tomorrow bring?

Have had a couple of great days and a lovely evening tonight.  I am not trying to borrow trouble but I am expecting tomorrow to be a hard day for me.  STBX is moving the rest of his stuff out.

Things like that trigger me on so many different levels.  Plus the timing is horrible.

It has to be done though. 

Arts of Being Alone

• Rainer Maria Rilke on the Art of Being Alone.

Good day, good friends, good food, lot's of support.  

Feeling very blessed to have the people in my life that I do.

This weekend is DECLUTTERING in over drive!!!

Looks like I have been very lucky as I am not experiencing any bleeding or any pain from the biopsy site.  

They said to ice it etc. but I haven't bothered.

So, after pottering around and having had a few emotional conversations with friends, I am heading to the land of nod :)

{note to self}

I feel like I handled today with dignity and now I am going to call on my strength.  People beat cancer.  To be honest, the thought of breast cancer still pales compared to the hysterectomy that shut the door on ever carrying my own bio child.  It still feels the worse thing that has ever happened to me.

I have three days until I know what I am facing and how I will deal with it.

Nothing but bad news from the doctor today.  Hormones out of whack, thyroid, lump in breast, blah blah blah.

I need to do what I can about the things I CAN control (food). It's been an on going battle my entire life.  But really it has come down to the line and I need to move forward swiftly and determinedly.

Hopefully will get news from the specialist tomorrow.  Also have a whole bunch of new medications to try (I am beginning to rattle).

Maybe this will be the year when I turn the corner?

I did 'alone' today and I think I am over it.

I completely understand about isolating yourself so you don't bring everyone else down.  I have don't that many times.

Time to get back out there tomorrow. Things to do, people to see and all that jazz.

My emotions are all over the place after the last few days.  I don't even know if I am okay or not because one minute I am, and then I am not!