It has been an emotionally draining few days for me.  Bret has been here trying to get the back of the house up to standard for insurance purposes.  They came and took pictures of the house last year and then asked that some things be done.  
Even my psychiatrist said that it is too early on in things to be able to cope with spending an extended amount of time with an ex.  

My brain coped by needing to sleep a lot to just shut off, in between crying on and off.  

But you know, like it says.... 'shit could be worse'.  At least I have an ex that is willing to meet his obligation to the house and to me and get this done.  

It's Mothering Sunday in England.  I am not a mother and I am not in England.  Instead I am feeling very broken.  Very defective.  I had still cannot believe that it is all over for me, even over a year after having the hysterectomy.  Most days it is at the back of my mind.  It doesn't ever go away and I don't think it ever will.  Today it is front and center.  It's very painful and hard not to be envious and feel in the minority.  People can feel sorry for me but only a very few people can actually understand.... probably only those that have walked in my shoes.  To lose the chance to be a mummy AND now not have a husband (the one that was going to be with me on the rest of this journey) seems like a double blow this weekend.  I am struggling, and being honest about it.

Sometimes it is

still hard to understand

what has happened.

I didn't expect to be back 

here again in life. 

Still having a bad night.  

Saturday nights seem to be

particularly rough.

Thank goodness for 

sleep pills and puppies.

I really shouldn't be feeling sad today.  The sun shone (after it rained), one of my foster pups may have a wonderful new home, my other foster pup came through her spay and is resting happily at home, work got done, laundry got done.....

But I feel overwhelmingly sad about being on my own this evening.  When I stop and am still and think about it I still can't believe that I am childless (not by choice) and now don't have a husband.  How did this happen?

So hard not to blame myself.  

For the friends in my life who know this applies to them....

The good curry friend who facebooks me in the middle of the night so we can talk about men with problems, peeing, facial hair and getting old.

The sock friend who I have giggled with umpteen times about the silliest things and who is now my fibro friend.

And my American friends who are as much family to me as friends.  Here is to the post Tupperware Party Waffle House times and many other hilarious adventures.

Today was an easy one.  The back porch is enclosed and I am finding homes for things that were out there.  How many screwdrivers, light bulbs and extension cords does one person need?  

I can't wait for my whole house to be lightened by decluttering. A couple of rooms are ALMOST finished (don't hold your breath though, still might take til the end of the 40 day challenge).

Busy day.  Finally faced the music and scheduled my investigative mammogram.  Have been putting it off.  So silly.

I was reminded this evening what a gift life is and how blessed I am when I met up with a local character that whittles walking sticks and sells them as his income.  All he wanted was a little money for a warm bed for the night (it's going to be below freezing) and a hot meal.  He thinks I was doing him a favor by buying the walking stick but it was entirely the other way around.  I was thrilled to finally have a piece of his work after passing him in the park while he was working so many times.  

He treated us to several songs (including 'Knock on Wood'), a sermon about life and how blessed we are and when I took his picture he bowed his head in the photo in gratitude for being put in the right place at the right time to receive his 'gift' for the night.

Am absolutely knackered.  Work started on enclosing the back porch.  I have long term and short term goals for the house.  So yes, apparently I need to be flexible about them.  Things are not always going to go to plan.  I am just hoping still that something good is coming out of all this chaos.

I really hope the mess in the house is the storm before the calm!!  I have multiple projects, multiple goals and stuff out everywhere.  It could be amazing if I finish everything before the 40 days are up (Easter).  I am loving doing this round of de cluttering and nesting and I guess that is probably an important part of it.

Tough evening. 

It's just so hard though.  

Sometimes the pain takes my breath away.  

Trying very hard to move on.

Opps.... missed Saturday so this is a 'make up' quote.  I am very good at making excuses and then wondering why I am not making progress so this is a perfect quote for me.  

I am proud of my recent progress, physically AND emotionally.  I am getting stronger, finding bits of my personality that has got lost in the transition.  

The best thing I have done in a LONG time is to participate in #40bagsin40days  

No postcard tonight, I made a spelling error so am retyping it:

"A marriage seldom breaks down over one big thing.  On big thing is much easier to get over than many little things.  The little lies, half truths and lying by ommision are what really kills a marriage because it kills the trust."

Amen to that!

I guess I can say one thing, I have learned a lot about marriage and a lot about my own intuition!

The pollen got me.  Spent the morning being completely unproductive and the rest of the day doing lots of projects.  So while I might of failed to begin the day on time, I did succeed in getting things done.  Not everything.  

I 

I won't lie.  It's been tough.  I have suffered from depression my whole life along with low self esteem and various health issues.  My marriage ended just before Christmas.  I didn't know that anything could be as painful as finding out that the human being that you trusted had broken that trust.  Then he moved out.  There have been some very very bad nights when I have wondered if anyone is every going to love and stay with me.  

I pull through. Even though there doesn't seem much point sometimes.  I march on.

I have been doing this awesome challenge called '40 bags in 40 Days' #40bagsin40days

I have been on the decrapifying journey for what seems like forever.  I never seem to get there.  I am a big fan of  'Flylady' but spend most of my time so overwhelmed that I don't get anything done.  I am really enthusiastic about this challenge and have been doing lots of odds and ends.  But there still seems like so so so much left to do.